My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
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These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?