me and the Superbowl rn
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*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?