My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
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if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Midwest trash talk
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.