[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
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[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
My teenage children choosing violence
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita