My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
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I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*