Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
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HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Happy Halloween 🎃
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.