My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
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To clean up or just move. This is the question.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Breaking news:
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”