My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
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Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT