“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
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They’re called werewolves.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.