My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
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No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”