Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
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I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”