My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
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Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Breaking news:
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”