Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
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So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Life hack
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?