My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
You Might Also Like
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
😜
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Spring of Deception
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭