Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
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Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.