my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
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*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t