A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
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Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
I’m too immature for adultery.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes