Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
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my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
figuring out my emotional availability:
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Mad Max: Furry Road
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*