@SigneSaysSo: My pants are so tight I'm legitimately afraid they won't fit if I miss a day of shaving my legs.
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@katiefzack: Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, "If I'm alive by then," and hang up.
@agathagotstoned: Barring any distractions, it only takes about three months to teach a meerkat how to throw knives.
@beisswrandon: If he says "you're 1 in a million" it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you