I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
You Might Also Like
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
the world’s most popular steaming services
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO