Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
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Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.