Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
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[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad: