Wish all of my viruses were this polite
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awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
2022 be like
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
This fish is cracking me up
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
it must be school picture day
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Sharon I have some bad news
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy