Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
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I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Every house has this drawer
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Body by Oreos
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?