My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
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[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
these two trucks have the same bed length
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.