My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 馃檨
You Might Also Like
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won鈥檛 touch a thing because they think you鈥檝e already been hacked. You haven鈥檛.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Lionel Richie: 馃幎hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
I experienced this today. I decided I鈥檓 a genius. 馃槀
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I鈥檓 going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.