Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
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Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”