website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
You Might Also Like
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice