I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
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My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now