My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵