My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
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fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Carpe DM
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?