My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
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Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover