“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
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Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
The devil.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
bout dat hot dog summer
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I feel attacked.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.