My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
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Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
I unironically love this joke.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
I didn’t realize that was an option
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.