My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
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I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.