My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
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If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
We need to put an American base on the sun
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
wtf is an acronym
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time