My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
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“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
very niche meme I made
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.