My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
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When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
The opposite of goth is stopth.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….