My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
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Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it