My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
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My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Mouse
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me