My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
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Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
🍞🦆
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Ok, but like, how married are you?
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else