My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
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My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.