My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
You Might Also Like
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.