My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
You Might Also Like
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.