@TitansHomer: [High School Reunion] Him: I started my own Law Firm last year Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story

@neiltyson: Curious that it's always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.

@SortaBad: "You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs" - jerk chicken

@MomOfTeen: My youngest son's dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute. I admire his hope that they'll bounce up and swish down.

@mamatomy3: My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.