My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
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me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Golf would be better with landmines.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow