My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
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best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.