@spekulation: My phone corrects "haha" to "hahaha", so all my friends think they're 50% funnier than they actually are.
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@Barknado69: [Marriage Counseling] Her: he always mixes two common sayings together that aren't relevant Me: well, blood is thicker than the early bird
@FrogAvalanche: Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim's nose? Accused: No. *cries into palms Baby Judge: O, great, he's disappeared again.
@Carbosly: Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
@Michael_Erhart: "I'd like to raise a toast." *Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*