@spekulation: My phone corrects "haha" to "hahaha", so all my friends think they're 50% funnier than they actually are.
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@UNTRESOR: A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you're not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
@Mikecanrant: When the UPS guy hands you that pad where you digitally sign your name, you can put anything. Today I put "lame shorts" and nothing happened
@Vodkantots: In hell, every day is Thanksgiving and you're never allowed to unbutton your pants.