@spekulation: My phone corrects "haha" to "hahaha", so all my friends think they're 50% funnier than they actually are.
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@WoodyLuvsCoffee: HR: The delivery job is yours. Me: Great! HR: Do u have a reliable car? Me: Yes. HR: Model? Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
@MarfSalvador: mob boss: rip his fingernails off henchman: they're bitten really short mob boss: then do his toenails! henchman: [removing my socks] you're not gonna believe this
@WilliamRodgers: "Age is just a number" ...so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account