Why would I want to fund a crowd?
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me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
incredible text to wake up to
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones