“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
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If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate