@BubblesnBooze: My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
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@seagullski: I'm in charge of eight kids tonight. No big deal though I can be really responsib-- I'm in charge of seven kids tonight. No big deal though
@POOPSCRUFFIN4U: [first date] DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths ME: *slowly pushes date's coffee off table*
@Home_Halfway: *guitarist breaks guitar* HELL YEAH *drummer throws drums* YES YES *singer stabs a bunch of guys* OH MY GOD *bassist plants a bomb* STOP
@GrabTheWEness: I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.