@Elizasoul80: My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it's ok, it was in my pocket.
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@KeetPotato: [rookie undercover] *walks up to dealer* "yo you a cop" um no "hmm ok what you want" EIGHT COCAINES PLEASE *gives thumbs up to chief in car*
@urmumsausername: Now I lay me down to sleep I hope you like this and retweet If I should die before I wake I may have eaten too much cake
@weinerdog4life: Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it's best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
@Chumpstring: [job interview] INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life ME: just that i hope they haven't started yet