My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
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The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
North and South
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Perfection.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.