I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
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*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
That lamp looks PISSED.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit