@perchicoree: My phone never asks me to put my husband down.
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@careworn: Why do people insist on saying "You're next" to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
@chadopitz: Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
@Xoolun: Went to the gym and asked the trainer. Could you help me do splits? Trainer: Sure How flexible are you? Me: I can only do Thursday.